I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?