god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium