i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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