On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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