my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!