i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
