my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
