The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
