i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
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Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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