I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
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He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
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It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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