i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
