I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
