the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
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Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
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If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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