i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Your cock deserves a montage
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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