bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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