Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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