Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
