Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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