You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
