i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
