I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
