My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
