I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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