im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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