the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
