Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
