shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
