I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
19 People Did The Wildest Things When They Were Black-Out Drunk
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
21 Signs That A Dude is Probably Insane
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?