Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.