Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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