Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
