okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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