when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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