You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
