we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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