Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
