he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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