plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize