Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
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I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
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It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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