I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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