are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
