We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
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Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
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So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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