I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in