I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize