My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
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i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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