I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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