mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day