I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
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I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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