i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
