I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize