i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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