??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize